Many boys grow up receiving messages, spoken or unspoken that emotion is weakness.
“Don’t cry.” “Suck it up.” “Move on.” “Be tough.”
Over time, the boy learns to become the man who performs, achieves, solves problems, carries responsibility and keeps moving forward.
But he may never have been taught how to recognize what is happening inside of him.
So anger gets pushed down.
Fear becomes irritation.
Hurt becomes distance.
Jealousy becomes control.
Vulnerability gets buried beneath competence.
And while suppressing emotion may feel protective or productive in the moment, emotions rarely disappear simply because we refuse to acknowledge them.
Emotional strength is not about eliminating emotion. It is about developing the capacity to experience an emotion without allowing it to run your life.
Can I notice what I am feeling?
Can I name it?
Can I become curious about what it may be trying to tell me?
And can I choose what I do next rather than simply react?
Jealousy, rage, fear, grief, disappointment, insecurity and even shame can become information.
Not commands.
Not character flaws.
Information.
An emotion may be pointing toward something that needs our attention: a boundary, a fear, an unmet need, an old wound, a value that has been violated, or a conversation we have been avoiding.
When we learn to listen without either suppressing the emotion or surrendering control to it, something changes.
The emotion becomes another tool in our toolbox for navigating relationships, leadership and life.
For the man who carries tremendous responsibility, emotional awareness is not weakness.
It may be one of the most important forms of self-mastery.
So here is the question I would invite you to consider:
When a difficult emotion shows up, do you know how to listen to what it is telling you without allowing it to decide what you do next?
Thankful Friday
This week, I’m especially grateful for the people, experiences, and gifts that remind me how rich life can be. I am so thankful for the happiness my beautiful granddaughter is experiencing as she celebrates her engagement and begins planning her wedding. There is something deeply joyful about watching someone you love step into such a hopeful new chapter.
I am grateful for the good health that allows me to travel, be present for family celebrations, and share in these meaningful moments. I never want to take that gift for granted.
And I am profoundly thankful for the extraordinary people who have crossed my path throughout the years, offering wisdom, encouragement, guidance, and support as I have continued to grow. I think of these people as my “angel gifts”: those unexpected individuals who seem to arrive at just the right time and leave something lasting behind.
Gratitude has a way of reminding us that some of life’s greatest gifts are found in the people we love, the moments we are able to share, and the people who help us become more fully ourselves.
What are you especially grateful for this week?
What If Jealousy Isn't Something To Be Ashamed Of, But Something To Be Curious About?
Recently, in a therapy session, a client admitted something many of us feel but may hesitate to say out loud: “I’m jealous.”
On the surface, there was little that appeared to be lacking in their life. They had a very successful and lucrative career, a family, a very comfortable life, and much to be grateful for. Yet someone close to them had achieved extraordinary financial success, in the selling of their business and with that new information, they found themselves comparing.
Rather than judging the jealousy, we explored it. What exactly are you jealous of? The money? The recognition? The power? The respect? The freedom? The confidence? The feeling of having “made it”?
As we peeled back the layers, something important emerged. It wasn’t really about what the other person had. It was about what my client believed they were missing within themselves. In this case, much of it came down to confidence. They wanted to walk into a room and feel secure in who they were, what they had built, and the value they brought, without needing someone else’s success to measure it.
Comparison can be painful, but it can also be informative. Instead of asking: “Why do they have something I don’t? ”Perhaps the more useful question is: “What does their life represent to me that I believe is missing from mine?”
Once we understand that, we can take a reality check. Is this something I genuinely want to pursue? Is there an action I can take toward it? Or is the deeper work learning to appreciate and accept the life I have already created?
Sometimes jealousy isn’t asking us to become more like someone else. It may be asking us to become more honest about what we want for ourselves.
If we explore deeply enough we may find that we already are and have what we covet in another, a clear knowing of who we are and our self-worth.
When you find yourself comparing your life to someone else’s, what might that feeling be trying to tell you?
Thankful Hearts
A person who journals daily about at least three things they are thankful for, studies show, tends to be among the happiest people on the planet.
So, I decided a long time ago to pursue that for myself and have actively and consciously been choosing gratitude daily for at least the last 20 years.
I would like to start sharing with you here on Fridays and also invite you to share in the comments below something you are grateful for that happened this week.
1- I’m so thankful our show went so well this week! On Wednesdays, we have been blessed with the invitation to perform weekly at Frankie’s Trattoria. People really seemed engaged and enjoyed our music.
2- I’m so thankful for the privilege of playing with the stellar, talented musicians Paul Banman on piano and Mike Frost on bass. They are truly incredible.
3- I’m so thankful for my veterinarian, Dr. Beth Marchitelli of Four Paws Farewell, who is willing to come to my home to help with my aging pets. While I was out performing, she came out to help treat my dear old, ancient cat Red, who needed a lot of help and attention with an ear infection and all sorts of things. She came and was kind and giving of her time and travel.
These are some of the many important things in my life right now. I’m so grateful for the music, friendship, and the experts who are willing to give of their service.
So tell me, what are you grateful for?
Sometimes the heart wants two things at once...
Sometimes the heart wants two things at once: to be deeply loved and to remain safely protected.
The song, My Blue Heart began more than 25 years ago, long before I understood that this tension would become such an important part of both my personal life and my work as a psychologist.
At the time, I was beginning my journey in the music industry and was introduced to Paul Banman, who came highly recommended as someone I should work with. After about a year of working together professionally, I realized my feelings for him had become something more. I trusted Paul. He was honest with me. And still, a part of me remained guarded.
Eventually, I asked the question so many of us are afraid to ask when a relationship begins to matter: “Where are we going together?” Paul told me honestly that he wasn't yet ready to fully commit. I knew something about him, however: when he made a decision, he meant it. So I chose not to run. I chose to wait and see.
One evening, while cleaning my house, a line suddenly came to me: “My blue heart is waiting, anticipating…”And a song was born.
As a psychologist, I have spent decades helping people understand the emotional histories they carry into their relationships. We often think that if we have found someone trustworthy, we should simply be able to trust. But the human heart is more complicated than that.
We can desire closeness and fear it simultaneously. We can love someone deeply while another part of us is preparing for loss. Sometimes we even distance ourselves from something good, not because of what is happening in the present, but because of what happened to us in the past. That became the deeper meaning of My Blue Heart.
It is the conversation between the part of ourselves that says, “Let me love,” and the part that quietly answers, “But what if I get hurt again? ”How much of myself am I willing to reveal? Can I say what I truly feel? Can I allow another person to see my fear as well as my love? Perhaps vulnerability isn't the absence of fear. Perhaps it is our willingness to remain emotionally present even when fear comes with us.
For more than 25 years, this song waited. Looking back, I wonder whether I couldn't finish it because I hadn't finished living it. Now, My Blue Heart is finally ready to be released, and sharing it feels particularly meaningful because I am sharing more than a song. I'm sharing a piece of my own story. And perhaps, somewhere within it, you may recognize a piece of yours.
When love asks you to be truly known, which voice becomes louder: the one that wants to move closer, or the one that wants to protect your heart?
— Robin Avery, Ph.D.
Sometimes we're not responding to the person in front of us. We're responding to the history behind us.
Sometimes we’re not responding to the person in front of us. We’re responding to the history behind us.
Recently, I worked with a couple who discovered that many of their struggles weren’t about what was actually happening in their marriage. They were about the very different histories they each brought into it.
She grew up in a home where she learned to monitor other people’s moods, suppress her own needs, and keep the peace. As an adult, she carried those lessons into her marriage.
Without realizing it, she assumed her husband needed the same careful management. She anticipated his reactions, took care of his needs, and often stayed silent about her own.
But in counseling, something important emerged:
That wasn’t what he wanted.
He wanted to know what she needed. He wanted her to tell him what she wanted and give him the opportunity to respond.
The deeper work became helping her discover something she had rarely been allowed to consider:
What do I actually want?
When we don’t express our needs because we are afraid of how someone might respond, we can unknowingly deny them the opportunity to show up differently than people from our past.
What might change in your relationships if you stopped assuming how someone will respond and gave them the opportunity to show you
Silence Can Close a Door The Other Person Never Knew Was Closing
Recently, a client shared that she felt hurt when she discovered a longtime friend and colleague had withheld information from her. Her first instinct was to withdraw. I’ll just let it go. I’ll say nothing. Maybe I’ll let the relationship fade.
But silence has consequences, too. Her colleague may have withheld the information because she was trying to protect her feelings. My client, however, would have preferred honesty, even if the truth was uncomfortable.
A helpful way to begin an uncomfortable conversation is to lead with the value of the relationship, rather than the hurt. Instead of beginning with blame, start by letting the other person know why the conversation matters to you. This can create space for honesty rather than defensiveness.
For example: “Our friendship means a lot to me. I would rather you trust me enough to tell me the truth than try to protect me from it. ”Growth in relationships isn’t only about learning to express our needs. Sometimes it means being willing to have the uncomfortable conversation that gives another person the opportunity to explain, apologize, or show up differently. Silence may protect us from discomfort, but it can also quietly close a door the other person never knew was closing.
When you begin withdrawing from someone, are you truly finished with the relationship, or are you hoping they’ll somehow understand what you never gave yourself permission to say?
Not Always How, But What?
I recently worked with a couple where the wife, sometimes needed reassurance about their relationship.
During one conversation, she asked whether they would always be together and whether he might someday ever leave her.
Her husband, who tends to be quiet and does not easily express emotion, responded with a partially joking comment:
“How can we know?”
That unmeaningly only increased her anxiety, She took the comment seriously.
As we explored the interaction, something deeper emerged.
He was hurt that she questioned his commitment, but vulnerability was difficult for him. He had trouble saying, “It hurts me that you don’t trust me.”
So his hurt came out as sarcasm.
Once he could identify what was underneath his reaction, everything shifted. She understood that her anxiety and need for reassurance was triggering to him and making him feel like he wasn't trustworthy and that all he gives to the relationship wasn't valued.
This is why communication skills alone aren’t always enough.
Before asking, “How do I communicate this?” we may need to ask:
What am I actually feeling?
What do I need?
And what is underneath my anger, silence, or defensiveness?
Good communication doesn’t begin with the right words.
It begins with knowing what we are trying to communicate.
If you find yourself struggling to communicate with someone you love, consider getting curious about what may be underneath your words or reactions. Sometimes the most compassionate place to begin is not with “How can I say this better?” but with “What am I really trying to say?”
If you're looking for support in enhancing your relationships, and want a trusted therapist to help you along your way. Reach out to me, I'd be happy to help.
If
If I allow myself the freedom and opportunity to experience my feelings, observe
and monitor my emotional reactions, and refuse to invalidate myself:
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I will not take impulsive, unconsidered actions that have the potential of creating
drama and crisis.
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I will be able to feel my grief deeply, possibly let go of it, and at the very least, learn
to accept and live with it without having grief wield power over my daily existence.
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I will not be overpowered, then, by my life’s existential struggles. I will be in a better
position to step back and solve life’s problems without being overwhelmed by them.
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I can live a life of self- acceptance and change. I will feel normal and not defective.
I will be able to take charge of my journey instead of having my life tossed around as
if I were floating on a raft, in the middle of the ocean without any oars to steer.
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Then I can bring my whole, true self to living. Only then can I lead a value-driven life,
guided by my own healthy values, dreams, and goals.
And only then I can look back and say: “Yes, I lived a purposeful life, a life of
integrity”. What a way to go, and a legacy to leave behind.
Resilience
Knowing that we are not alone and that our emotions and reactions are part of a common humanity is a wellspring for resilience.
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This awareness of our common humanity enables us to replace feelings of vulnerability, shame, and defeat with self-compassion and self-acceptance.
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The awareness of our common, connected humanity supports dignity through life's struggles, nourishes resilience, and opens the door for the healing of our planet. 7-27-20
Good Character
Everyone is running on empty and pretenders, and everyone's goal is independence they just don't know it.
Self-awareness, self-transparency, brutal self-honesty, self-discipline, and the ability to love are the keys to good character.
Ethics and morals are culture driven and man-made. The former are spiritually driven in sync with a collective consciousness, Godly, and the royal road to truth, purity, goodness, and fairness.
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
The Invitation
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest mehow old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
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I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful to be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,"Yes."It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.